What the f&*% have I done!

The problem with being a worst case scenario mom, is that well, you are always anticipating the worst.

When things go terribly wrong, you know that they will go even worse.  And that's exactly what happened today.
Just when I though that my son could not have a more gruelling, troubling, angering, traumatic treatment session, he did!
I think that today he had the mother of all meltdowns and all I could do was sit there silently as I watched him lose his mind, tears streaming down his face as he yelled: "I'm not ready for this", "I hate being poked"and my favourite "I don't like Hemophilia"
Forget the arrow piercing the heart, it was like a hook wrenching it out of me!
There's no worse experience than seeing your child suffer.
There's no worse feeling than that of guilt over your child suffering.
Of course, I blame myself.  I cannot help but feel this incredible amount of guilt at seeing him suffer.
He's only 5, should he be going through all this?
I have silently decided that I cannot go on like this.  I will not treat him until he is ready.
Will he be ready?  He's 5, I am going to say no.

There are many blogs out there dealing with parenting, with coping and with Hemophilia.
I've read a lot of them and they give me some insight into what other parents feel.  I know that I am not alone (Of course, few out there have the same kind of neurosis as me)

However, I am rarely left comforted by their blogs.  When I go through what I went through today with my son, my husband and the nurses, I feel there is no nice way out of this.
I think to myself :"What have I done?"
It really is difficult being the parent of a child with a disorder.  It is really troubling for a parent to know that your child has many uphill battles to deal with.  To feel like you contributed to these causes is truly the worst thing in the world.
There is no 'nice' experience when it comes to being poked with needles.  It isn't fun, pleasant or joyful.  It has to be done, how do you explain that to a 5 year old?
I am completely exhausted and spent.  My energy level is low and this is from watching him have a melt down, not actually treating him.

His mood now, some hours later, is higher due to some apple juice and a hot dog.  Will he be happy tomorrow?  No, he'll be whiny and angry.
I am mentally preparing for his mood, after all, I am the worst case scenario mom!