Worst case scenario mom here - Planning the week ahead!
What could possible go wrong? Well, should I begin?
No, I don't think I will, I'll wait and see what the week holds for me.
Tomorrow is treatment day at the hospital and oh, am I NOT looking forward to it.
At which point is it too much? What level does his meltdown have to be before I say no more?
I've already mentioned the hospital, the treatment and a special treat.
I think that I'll take him to see the giant Christmas tree tomorrow.
Funny how no one really warns you all the emotions you will have when you have kids.
Do parents of kids with no disabilities feel as I do?
I'm still luckier than others. I get to take my son home after his treatment and when you look at other kids at the hospital, you realize how lucky you really are.
What do you think?
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
What the f&*% have I done!
The problem with being a worst case scenario mom, is that well, you are always anticipating the worst.
When things go terribly wrong, you know that they will go even worse. And that's exactly what happened today.
Just when I though that my son could not have a more gruelling, troubling, angering, traumatic treatment session, he did!
I think that today he had the mother of all meltdowns and all I could do was sit there silently as I watched him lose his mind, tears streaming down his face as he yelled: "I'm not ready for this", "I hate being poked"and my favourite "I don't like Hemophilia"
Forget the arrow piercing the heart, it was like a hook wrenching it out of me!
There's no worse experience than seeing your child suffer.
There's no worse feeling than that of guilt over your child suffering.
Of course, I blame myself. I cannot help but feel this incredible amount of guilt at seeing him suffer.
He's only 5, should he be going through all this?
I have silently decided that I cannot go on like this. I will not treat him until he is ready.
Will he be ready? He's 5, I am going to say no.
There are many blogs out there dealing with parenting, with coping and with Hemophilia.
I've read a lot of them and they give me some insight into what other parents feel. I know that I am not alone (Of course, few out there have the same kind of neurosis as me)
However, I am rarely left comforted by their blogs. When I go through what I went through today with my son, my husband and the nurses, I feel there is no nice way out of this.
I think to myself :"What have I done?"
It really is difficult being the parent of a child with a disorder. It is really troubling for a parent to know that your child has many uphill battles to deal with. To feel like you contributed to these causes is truly the worst thing in the world.
There is no 'nice' experience when it comes to being poked with needles. It isn't fun, pleasant or joyful. It has to be done, how do you explain that to a 5 year old?
I am completely exhausted and spent. My energy level is low and this is from watching him have a melt down, not actually treating him.
His mood now, some hours later, is higher due to some apple juice and a hot dog. Will he be happy tomorrow? No, he'll be whiny and angry.
I am mentally preparing for his mood, after all, I am the worst case scenario mom!
When things go terribly wrong, you know that they will go even worse. And that's exactly what happened today.
Just when I though that my son could not have a more gruelling, troubling, angering, traumatic treatment session, he did!
I think that today he had the mother of all meltdowns and all I could do was sit there silently as I watched him lose his mind, tears streaming down his face as he yelled: "I'm not ready for this", "I hate being poked"and my favourite "I don't like Hemophilia"
Forget the arrow piercing the heart, it was like a hook wrenching it out of me!
There's no worse experience than seeing your child suffer.
There's no worse feeling than that of guilt over your child suffering.
Of course, I blame myself. I cannot help but feel this incredible amount of guilt at seeing him suffer.
He's only 5, should he be going through all this?
I have silently decided that I cannot go on like this. I will not treat him until he is ready.
Will he be ready? He's 5, I am going to say no.
There are many blogs out there dealing with parenting, with coping and with Hemophilia.
I've read a lot of them and they give me some insight into what other parents feel. I know that I am not alone (Of course, few out there have the same kind of neurosis as me)
However, I am rarely left comforted by their blogs. When I go through what I went through today with my son, my husband and the nurses, I feel there is no nice way out of this.
I think to myself :"What have I done?"
It really is difficult being the parent of a child with a disorder. It is really troubling for a parent to know that your child has many uphill battles to deal with. To feel like you contributed to these causes is truly the worst thing in the world.
There is no 'nice' experience when it comes to being poked with needles. It isn't fun, pleasant or joyful. It has to be done, how do you explain that to a 5 year old?
I am completely exhausted and spent. My energy level is low and this is from watching him have a melt down, not actually treating him.
His mood now, some hours later, is higher due to some apple juice and a hot dog. Will he be happy tomorrow? No, he'll be whiny and angry.
I am mentally preparing for his mood, after all, I am the worst case scenario mom!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
The worst case scenario mom?
That's me - the worst case scenario mom.
I'm down who's on the escalator going down, concerned that my baby will fall out of my arms and tumble the the stairs.
I'm the one who drives on a bridge and clenches the steering wheel for fear that the bridge will give out under me. Of course, living in Montreal, who can blame me for that one!
And, I'm the one who visualizes all sorts of terrible things as I leave my son at school for the day.
I worry that kids will pick on him, I worry that no one will play with him, I worry that he won't have enough food for the day, I worry that he'll get hurt, I worry that's he'll miss. I worry! I'm worst case scenario mom.
I don't know if the worry came with the Hemophilia, or I would have been like this without the bleeding disorder. He's my first born so it's hard to say how I would have been had he been born without it.
'IT' sucks, 'IT' overtakes my life, consumes me and pretty much defines me. I don't want it to, I tell myself everyday that Gabriel is not the disease, this is his how his body works and we have to deal with it.
I never say that he's a Hemophiliac but rather that he has Hemophilia. He's not the disease after all, he just has the misfortune of having it.
I'm constantly in fear of him hurting himself and guess what? He's always hurting himself. He's five and just started kindergarden. He had a spontaneous joint bleed last week.
I was shocked, I never expected him to have a spontaneous bleed. I always assumed that Hemophilia A's had the spontaneous bleeds. Never assume anything, right?
He's getting a port on Thursday. My baby is having surgery, a foreign object will be put in his little body.
We've been working with him to help him deal with the surgery. Hopefully, he'll be ok on the day.
Again, worst case scenario mom in me comes out and thinks the worst!
I guess I have to stop myself and take it one day at a time.
So, tomorrow when I drop him off at school, I won't worry about the potential bully in the making who may or may not be suffering from ADHD, I won't worry about Gabriel making a mess while eating and just covering his white shirt with tomato sauce (White? Seriously? What were they thinking when they imposed the dress code? We need to buy stocks in clorox bleach)
I will definitely NOT worry about any psycho killers entering his school. My husband thinks I'm a little coucou..but I digress...I'm just the worst case scenario mom!
I'm down who's on the escalator going down, concerned that my baby will fall out of my arms and tumble the the stairs.
I'm the one who drives on a bridge and clenches the steering wheel for fear that the bridge will give out under me. Of course, living in Montreal, who can blame me for that one!
And, I'm the one who visualizes all sorts of terrible things as I leave my son at school for the day.
I worry that kids will pick on him, I worry that no one will play with him, I worry that he won't have enough food for the day, I worry that he'll get hurt, I worry that's he'll miss. I worry! I'm worst case scenario mom.
I don't know if the worry came with the Hemophilia, or I would have been like this without the bleeding disorder. He's my first born so it's hard to say how I would have been had he been born without it.
'IT' sucks, 'IT' overtakes my life, consumes me and pretty much defines me. I don't want it to, I tell myself everyday that Gabriel is not the disease, this is his how his body works and we have to deal with it.
I never say that he's a Hemophiliac but rather that he has Hemophilia. He's not the disease after all, he just has the misfortune of having it.
I'm constantly in fear of him hurting himself and guess what? He's always hurting himself. He's five and just started kindergarden. He had a spontaneous joint bleed last week.
I was shocked, I never expected him to have a spontaneous bleed. I always assumed that Hemophilia A's had the spontaneous bleeds. Never assume anything, right?
He's getting a port on Thursday. My baby is having surgery, a foreign object will be put in his little body.
We've been working with him to help him deal with the surgery. Hopefully, he'll be ok on the day.
Again, worst case scenario mom in me comes out and thinks the worst!
I guess I have to stop myself and take it one day at a time.
So, tomorrow when I drop him off at school, I won't worry about the potential bully in the making who may or may not be suffering from ADHD, I won't worry about Gabriel making a mess while eating and just covering his white shirt with tomato sauce (White? Seriously? What were they thinking when they imposed the dress code? We need to buy stocks in clorox bleach)
I will definitely NOT worry about any psycho killers entering his school. My husband thinks I'm a little coucou..but I digress...I'm just the worst case scenario mom!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
It's been a while...
It's been a while...
2 years to be exact.
Much has happened over the last 2 years.
I fell pregnant, I lost the baby. I was 18 weeks pregnant. It was tragic, traumatic and put me over the edge. Well, I was already over the edge, it just nudged me some more.
A few months later, I fell pregnant again. 9 months later, little Naomi Marie entered our lives.
She is a pure joy. An Angel, An adorable sweet baby who smile all the time.
She's so much different than her brothers. For one, she actually sleeps. It's so perplexing to me. She gets tired, I put her in her crib and she falls asleep. Peculiar in this household!
She was born in September, on the 12th at 12:49AM. I actually went into labour on the 11th but delayed going to the hospital so that she could be born on the 12th. I'm weird, I know, but I just didn't want her birthday to be September 11th.
She came into the world and changed mine.
Within a week of bringing her home, our routine was back to the same. Chauffeuring the kids to school, daycare, the pediatrician and of course the hospital for Gabriel.
Bringing your 3rd baby home is wonderful, but your life doesn't stop.
It continues with a new little person to care for.
2 years to be exact.
Much has happened over the last 2 years.
I fell pregnant, I lost the baby. I was 18 weeks pregnant. It was tragic, traumatic and put me over the edge. Well, I was already over the edge, it just nudged me some more.
A few months later, I fell pregnant again. 9 months later, little Naomi Marie entered our lives.
She is a pure joy. An Angel, An adorable sweet baby who smile all the time.
She's so much different than her brothers. For one, she actually sleeps. It's so perplexing to me. She gets tired, I put her in her crib and she falls asleep. Peculiar in this household!
She was born in September, on the 12th at 12:49AM. I actually went into labour on the 11th but delayed going to the hospital so that she could be born on the 12th. I'm weird, I know, but I just didn't want her birthday to be September 11th.
She came into the world and changed mine.
Within a week of bringing her home, our routine was back to the same. Chauffeuring the kids to school, daycare, the pediatrician and of course the hospital for Gabriel.
Bringing your 3rd baby home is wonderful, but your life doesn't stop.
It continues with a new little person to care for.
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